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Today I freaked out on a girl from my church. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. Her name is “Sarah.” I have known her for over two years, and we have been “friends” for over a year. Quite a bit of time on the phone. A couple of dinner dates. A museum.  Nothing more. But MY problem is that I am completely smitten with her!! This girl is the single most attractive black girl I have ever met. She , unfortunately, is a bit lacking in the communication department..IE doesn’t return calls, is vague and evasive, well, most of the time.

I expressed romantic interest in her back at the beginning of the summer. She made it clear that she “just wanted to be friends.” I continued to actively pursue a friendship with her. and she grew even more distant. I told her that if she didn’t want to actually be my friend, she should tell me to fuck off. She scolded me for using the f-word, and completely deflected the question. I finally, today,  told her that by trying to avoid looking like a mean person, she looked like like a bitch, a sociopath, and/or a racist. She told me to go to hell. I said thank you, and that was that.

Why is it so fucking difficult for “christian” women to speak their minds? I would much rather have my feelings hurt up front, than to be played games with.

It’s not that I can’t take a hint, either. I promise you I can. It’s just that if you insist that you want to be my friend, then be my friend.

This is the second time in a row this sort of thing has happened to me.

No more church girls for Tox.


This is a post I wrote to SoulPancake on the subject of a “vice that has grown with us”(in 200 words or less) and also my FIRST REAL POST!! Enjoy:

My favorite “vice” is ANGER!! I’m angry about how the leaders of our country are pissing away our heritage. I’m angry about being a (sober) alcoholic (I was angry about being a drunk too…but at least I was drunk). I’m angry about having to work my ass off for every little thing I get and then being disappointed anyway. I’m angry that I see people who believe in unreal things (regardless of what) whose lives are better than mine. I’m angry about having (way?) above average intelligence and exceptional powers of observation which enable me to notice and analyze the shitty minutia of life in excruciating detail.
Not only has this “vice” grown with age, it is actually MAKING me age faster (which makes me angry as well. I can’t win!).

The tricky thing with anger, though, is that it gives me a feeling, mostly illusory I know, of power. This has at times given me the impetus and intensity to make real changes in my life, but it is, for the most part, a futile waste of energy.

This realization has, however, done little to abate this “vice.”

I will almost certainly revisit this topic in the future, but that will do for now.

Holy Shit! I’m a blogger now! WooHoo!!

I am really getting angry with myself for not making the time to post stuff on here. God knows I have enough philosophical quandaries to choke a rhinoceros, and enough intelligence and vocabulary to write about them in a lucid and possibly even entertaining fashion. But I’ll have to leave that determination up to you, dear reader.

It begins!

This is my first blog EVER! Wow. Big fun. Now to school.